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Tag Archives: Funny

How to Drive Your Doctor Nuts During a Physical Exam

— When your doctor looks in your eyes with a flashlight, shut your eyes tightly so he can’t see your pupils. Later, when your doctors asks you to shut your eyes tightly to test your eyelid strength, look at him like he’s speaking in tongues and keep your eyes open. If he whips out his flashlight to look at your pupils again, quickly close your eyes or blink rapidly and twitch your lip. — When your doctor tries to look in your mouth, arch your tongue so he can’t see the back of your throat. If he tries to use a tongue depressor, make gagging noises as soon as the tongue depressor touches your tongue and say that you forgot to tell him that you’re allergic to balsa wood. Argue with him about what type of wood tongue depressors are made out of. — When your doctor looks in your ear with that light thingy, keep saying “What? WHAT? I can’t hear you. WHAT?” — When your doctor tries to listen to your neck with his stethoscope, suddenly start talking loudly. Telling your doctor what your Great Uncle Seymour had for dinner at his wedding would be a good topic of conversation at this point. When he pulls the stethoscope away from your neck, stop talking. When he puts the stethoscope back on your neck, start talking loudly about your Great Uncle Seymour again. — When your doctor listens to your lungs with his stethoscope, hold your breath. Do this as long as you can and give him a puzzled look when he doesn’t move the stethocscope around. When he takes the stethoscope off your back, start breathing. When he puts the stethoscope back on your chest, hold your breath again. — When your doctor tries to listen to your heart, take shallow breaths and moan loudly every time you exhale. — Laugh loudly and wiggle all over the bed when your doctor presses on your stomach. Tell him to stop it because you’re ticklish. — When your doctor pulls out the reflex hammer, tense the muscles in every extremity he touches. If he tries to bend your knee, hold your leg straight. Fight him when he tries to bend your knee. If he tries to trick you by touching one leg and then tapping the other with the hammer, tense both legs. — When your doctor tests your strength and tells you to move a muscle, do the opposite of what he tells you. If he tells you to pull against him, push in the opposite direction. If he tells you to pull your toes toward your nose, shake your legs back and forth. — When your doctor tells you to close your eyes and touch your nose, keep your eyes open and touch your nose. When he tells you that you have to keep your eyes closed, close your eyes, slowly move your finger toward your nose, then touch the top of your head or some other body part. — When your doctor tells you to stand and try to balance on one leg, just sit there and look at him like you don’t understand what he’s saying. Then stand up and hold onto the bed or the wall while lifting one of your feet. Keep doing it even when your doctor tells you not to. — When your doctor examines your skin, point at random areas of your body and ask what he thinks that rash is. When he asks what rash you are talking about, Look at him like he’s crazy and point to the same ...

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Comic Relief

Courtesy of mednificentcomics.com Not quite a case medical student’s disease, but close. Have to love it. The thing is that when I was a medical student, there wasn’t an internet and there definitely wasn’t a Dr. Google. So we were a lot more stressed out because we had to rely on the advice of our professors – who weren’t always that well versed in the diseases.

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Spaghetti and Impaction

Stool impactions probably aren’t what most people would consider an “emergency” … until they actually have a stool impaction. Personally, I wouldn’t wish a stool impaction on someone. In chronic constipation, more and more stool collects in the colon until size of the ball of stool is too big to pass through the opening to the outside world. The major function of the colon is to absorb water from the stool, so the longer the stool sits in the colon, the larger the amount of water that gets absorbed, and the harder the blob of stool gets. By the way – the whole water absorbing function of the colon is why it is important to keep well hydrated to maintain good bowel habits. There are a lot of ways that you can try to get rid of a stool impaction, but when the stool gets hard enough, pretty much the only way to remove the impaction is by having someone use their fingers to perform a “disimpaction.” There’s just no good way to get a big hunk of stool the consistency of clay soft enough for it to pass through the rectum. It has to be dug out. Disimpactions aren’t fun for the doctor or the patient. They’re painful and obviously messy. I’m probably more willing than most docs to perform disimpactions because I can see how much the patients are suffering. Although unpleasant, disimpactions are an easy fix to the patients’ problem. Like I said, you probably can’t appreciate how bad impactions are until you’ve been on the other side of the gloved finger. As I donned my mask, gown, and multiple layers of gloves to commence the procedure on one patient,  one of the nurses sent a nursing student in the room with me to observe. The student said that she had seen “many” disimpactions in the past, but the nurse wanted her to observe this one, so she reluctantly came in the room with me.

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Paybacks

One of our registration clerks thinks she’s pretty slick. We play little practical jokes on each other every once in a while. One day she’ll unplug the keyboard to my computer when I’m in a room with a patient. I’ll come out to try to enter orders and start pounding the keyboard. Another day I’ll squirt a syringe of saline onto her chair so her butt gets wet when she sits down. And on and on and on. Recently, she tried to scare me. My desk sits across the station from hers and my back is to her. She thinks I can’t see her, but I can see everything that goes on behind me by the reflection off of the x-ray computer screen. While I was looking at an old chart on the screen, I saw her get up out of her desk, put her finger up to her lips to tell everyone to be quiet, and try to sneak up behind me. She was trying to tip-toe, but I could hear her little clown sneakers squeak as she walked. When she got close enough to me, she dug her fingers into my sides and yelled. I saw it all coming. I acted like I was sleeping and I stretched my arms up in the air, yawning. [Yawwwwwwn] “Is it time for me to go home already?” “You think you’re funny, don’t you WhiteCoat? Just wait. I’ll get you yet.” When my shift was over, I decided to make a pre-emptive strike. The registration clerk sits in a little cubby hole of sorts. There’s a line of several windows – one for each registration clerk – with a ledge and two chairs in front of each one. There’s a wall right next to the window where she was sitting. The clerks can’t see around the wall from that seat, so there is a mirror across the hall that the clerks use to see if patients are coming. Due to several slow nights at work, we discovered that shadows in the waiting room created a few blind spots in the mirror. I said goodnight to everyone, got my coat on, and acted like I was leaving for the night. I waited a few minutes and watched the clerk in the mirror. Soon she settled into reading a book on her Kindle which she rests on the computer keyboard. I then pulled my hood over my face, ran up to her window, slammed one of my hands on the desk and in the best Jacob Marley voice I could muster, I yelled “Hellllp!” Then I fell over onto one of the chairs and fell on the floor. The clerk jumped out of her skin, then screamed. “Aaaaaah! Where the hell did you come from?!?! Aaaaaaahhhh Get a nurrrrrrse Get a dooooctorrrrrr!” There were a couple seconds of silence, then her little head poked through the open window over the ledge to look at me on the floor. I was laughing so hard I had trouble catching my breath. “Damn you, WhiteCoat! You just made me wet myself.” And I didn’t even need a syringe of saline to do it.

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Comic Relief

Another cartoon courtesy of Mednificent Comics. Winter break … yeah I think I remember those days. . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Comic Relief

Courtesy of Mednificent Comics. Lots of funny comics about med school over there. Of course now that I’ve linked to the site, I won’t be able to re-post any of her other comics. Well … maybe a few. P.S. For those of you who don’t know what “medical” clubbing is, click here.  

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