One of the “regulars” comes into the ED.
He has a long rap sheet of pain medication prescriptions on the state database from multiple different providers and is complaining of back pain for which he is requesting a prescription for more pain medications. The 30 Percocet that he filled three days ago have mysteriously vanished.
The emergency physician tells him he’s on “The List” and tells him that he’s going to get Naprosyn and like it.
The patient tells the nurse that he doesn’t want Naprosyn. The nurse responds that she can only administer the medications that the doctor orders — and the doctor ordered Naprosyn.
The patient then spit on the nurse. The nurse screamed. A “code white” is called and half the hospital comes running to the ED. The patient then realizes that he kicked the proverbial hornet’s next, so he pulls a Little Jack Horner, sits in the corner, and won’t leave. He tries to kick anyone who comes near him.
Police are then called. Four burly cops come busting through ambulance bay doors like it’s a bank robbery. They go in the room and tell the patient to leave. He still won’t move. When they try to pull him out of the corner, he kicks one of the officers.
OK, now he’s going to jail.
One of the officers runs back outside and brings in a German Shepherd on a leash with drool dripping from its fangs. “If you don’t come out of the corner, I’m going to turn the dog loose on you.”
The patient sits there with his arms folded. Police have everyone leave the room.
Then the patient leans forward and starts talking baby talk to the dog. “Oh, there’s my wittle doggie. How’s my good doggie? Commere, boy.” The dog walks up to him and sniffs his hands.
“ATTACK!” yells the police officer. The patient reaches out, scratches the dog’s cheeks, and says “That’s a good doggie. Sit, boy.”
The dog sits down.
“ATTACK!” Yells the police officer even louder. The dog wags its tail and stays seated.
Dog gets taken from the room.
Police pull the curtain.
A bit of scuffling and all you hear next is the patient’s muffled yell and the rapid “pop pop pop pop pop pop pop” of a Taser being deployed.
Then the curtains fly back open and the patient is dragged out of the emergency department backwards with one officer on each arm saying “Where did my widdle doggie go?”
“But wait!” the nurse yells behind him, “you forgot your prescription for Naprosyn!”
While Elmer Fudd speak happens to be one of my pet peeves, this incident was pretty damn amusing.
This and all posts about patients may be fictional, may be my experiences, may be submitted by readers for publication here, or may be any combination of the above. Factual statements may or may not be accurate. If you would like to have a patient story published on Dr. Whitecoat.com, please e-mail me.