It has been a long time, diary. I can’t even think of all the things that happened since I last wrote.
Last time I left off, it was the squirrels. I’m happy to say that they’re gone. Mwuuuuuuhahahahaha. Actually, I’m a chicken shit. I got two types of traps. When I put peanut butter on to the lever of the live trap, I was able to catch a couple of squirrels. The other ones would simply knock the trap over and then grab at the peanut butter through the holes in the cage. So I got a couple of Ortho rat traps and caught the three remaining squirrels using those. One of them died. Two of them just got their legs caught. I made the mistake of telling my youngest daughter that I was going to go and “finish them off” after I caught them. She had nightmares for two days that daddy was killing the squirrels. In reality, I took them a half-mile away and let them go in the woods. What a sucker I am. But at least they’re gone and not chewing holes in my roof.
Cracked a tooth while chewing a peanut. That was an experience. First, it happened on a Friday at work, so I couldn’t get into the dentist. I happened to have a temporary filling in my bag that I had purchased over the counter at a pharmacy. It worked amazingly well, and in fact I was considering just leaving it like that. Unfortunately, after visiting the dentist I needed a root canal. That was fun.
Also had to have a superficial cancer burned off of my face. I went into the dermatologists office to have it looked at. Two minutes later, she’s putting on gloves and coming at me with a scalpel. That wasn’t too bad. Then she turns around, pulls some canister out of the closet and starts spraying me some Despicable Me – looking freeze ray mist. I think she called it “liquid nitrogen.” That stuff burns like a mother. Imagine the worst case of brain freeze you’ve ever had and then multiply that by about 10. That’s what this stuff felt like when it hit my skull. I could see this being used as a torture tactic when waterboarding stops working.
So I got to make up about 15 or 20 different excuses as to why I had a chunk of skin removed from the side of my face. Dog bite. Squirrel bite. Patient attacked me. Son’s lacrosse coach at me with a stick. Shooting accident. Improvised explosive device prematurely detonated (don’t use that one at the airport). Most importantly though, when my fair-skinned kids argue with me about going outside without using sunscreen, I point to my face and ask them “do you want to look like this?” I don’t know whether their immediate assent to sunscreen use is a testiment to my good parenting skills or a reflection of their fear of growing up to look like me. Whatever. It works.
Oldest daughter has now started driving. Dad has now started drinking before he takes her out driving to calm his nerves. Seriously. I just sit here and wonder whether or not I was as bad of a driver when I was starting out. I don’t ever recall running over curbs when turning a corner. I distinctly remember stopping very quickly when a crash is imminent. In our short time driving together, we’ve had several near misses. It is going to be a long time before she drives alone. And fortunately my life insurance is up to date. On a positive note, I can now cross off “driver training instructor” as one of my career aspirations.
Oldest daughter has also become somewhat despondent over her social life. I have to say that I hate sites like Instagram. I dislike Facebook, but I hate Instagram. People who are marginally successful in school, who use politicking and nepotism as a means to participate in socially desirable activities such as … um … cheerleading, and who are good at posing for pictures making peace signs with duck faces use Instagram as a way to socially exclude others who haven’t achieved such a lofty “status.” The more that “popular” people post those pictures, the more that people who want to be “popular” “like” those pictures, and the more that those who are not in the pictures are deemed “unpopular.” When your self worth begins to depend upon a comparison of trends in the number of “likes” between your posts and the posts of someone deemed more popular than you, our society has reached a new level of dysfunctionality. I suppose the only good thing to come of this is that my daughter is getting some early lessons on how to deal with adversity and how to become resilient. I’m just hoping that the life lessons we’re trying to teach in this regard are sinking in. Watching her get upset over this nonsense depresses me sometimes. Then I have to take her driving?
Whoops. She took a chance and posted a glamour shot of herself and got 55 “likes” so far. Now she’s happy as a clam. I don’t get it.
Junior Whitecoat is finishing up his lacrosse season today. Will be sad to see it end, but will be happy to have weekends free. Had an interesting little text session with him at the preliminary playoffs last weekend. He wanted some new special magical mesh for his lacrosse stick. The mesh amounts to a 12 inch by 8 inch piece of net. For this special mesh the vendor wanted $20. I told junior we could get the mesh for half price online. Besides, there was only one more game left in the season and putting new mesh on his stick would throw off his shot. He wanted to hear nothing of it. I told him to come walk with me to the sandwich shop on the next block and we’d discuss it further. He had a temper tantrum and walked away. So I walked to the sandwich shop myself. On my way there, my phone buzzed. I looked at it and … well … you can see what happened from there.
End result: His team won the tournament, so I surprised him and bought him the mesh.
Now the package of unopened mesh is sitting on the floor of his closet.
Middle daughter is finishing up acting for a movie. It’s another horror flick and she gets to turn into a demon and even swear a little bit on film. Not what I’d expect from our cute little sweetheart.
For her last week of school, they got to hatch chicks from eggs. Each group of 3-4 kids got their own egg and got to name the chick. My daughter got naming rights and the name that my daughter chose was “Little Pecker”. We didn’t think that the other parents would like that idea. So we chose some alternate names. I suggested Glenn Peck. I showed her a picture of Glenn Beck online. when my daughter repeated it and laughed, Mrs. WhiteCoat overheard it and said “He’s an IDIOT. There’s no WAY you’re naming your chick that.” We ended up settling on Gregory Peck, which made all of the old teachers laugh, made the young teachers ask why the old teachers were laughing, and made no impression on the classmates at all. However, Mrs. Whitecoat’s response to the whole matter did make many kids ask who Glenn Peck was … to which middle daughter said “Oh, some IDIOT.”
Had a major storm where our electricity went out and our basement flooded a few days ago. It’s amazing how much damage a couple of inches of sewage can do. And it’s amazing how much said smell tends to aggregate in your pores after spending two days removing nasty carpeting and other sewage-soaked materials.
Got a great breakfast in bed for father’s day. Then lounged around and watched cartoons with the kids for a little while.
Now it’s back to work.