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Call Me Janet

AmbulanceA patient is brought in by police. She wasn’t acting right. Walking down the middle of the street. Staring oddly at street signs like they’re Picasso exhibits. Messing with the windshield wipers on cars.

When she gets into the room, she won’t give the secretary her name so that she can register her. She looked the secretary right in the eye and says “GOD told me not to divulge my name.” The secretary looked back at her and said “My BOSS told me to put your name in the computer.”
The patient replied “GOD is more important than YOUR BOSS.”
OK. Valid point

So the patient was registered under “Jane Doe.” When Jane had her wristband put on, she became upset. After all, didn’t they know that Jane was Eve’s sister and look what Eve did to Adam.
Didn’t know that Eve had a sister. Would have made the whole story of creation a little more interesting, that’s for sure.
So “Jane” was changed to “Janet.”

While Janet was waiting for results of all the blood tests that psychiatry inpatient facilities require, she became upset by the sun coming through the window in the room. So she rearranged the room to get out of the sun. She moved the bed around so the back was blocking the sunlight. She used the overhead light to block more of the sunlight. She was stopped when she started pulling on the curtains. So she was given a coloring book to distract her. It actually worked quite well.

All of Janet’s lab’s came back normal so the psychiatry transfer service at the hospital across town was called to beg them to accept see whether they would accept the patient. The psychiatrist on call was put on the line.

As the case was discussed, including the patient’s refusal to give her name, the psychiatrist stopped the report.
“Wait a minute. Is this lady middle aged, short, and kind of heavy set with frizzy black hair?
“Yeaaaaah…”
“Talks a lot about God?”
“Yeah …”
“Hates being called “Jane”?”
“Yeah …”
“Oh, that’s Deborah Peel. How’d she end up over there? She’s got bipolar disorder. Never takes her medications. She’s harmless. You can discharge her. If you’re not comfortable with that, I can take her in transfer over here and then I’ll discharge her after I take a look at her.”

You have just crossed over to … the Twilight Zone

Now why can’t all psychiatry transfers go this smoothly?

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This and all posts about patients may be fictional, may be my experiences, may be submitted by readers for publication here, or may be any combination of the above. Factual statements may or may not be accurate. If you would like to have a patient story published on DrWhitecoat.com, please e-mail me.

One comment

  1. A) Slowly but carefully look around for the hidden cameras
    B) Verify that this isn’t a co-worker on another line having some fun at 2AM
    C) Verify that you’re talking to the actual psychiatrist (as opposed to an sociopathic impostor who’s gagged and bound the real doctor in a closet) by requesting they provide their state medical license number, and confirming it realtime on your state’s online provider database
    D) Send a check to an appropriate charity as thanks for the random benevolence of an unfathomable deity, or the whims of physics in an infinite universe flying through the phlogiston

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