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Assault With A Semi-Deadly Weapon

Ramen Noodle BowlA man comes to the registration window clutching both sides of his head.

“Help me … please. My head … it’s killing me.”

He is brought straight back to a room and the doctor is called right in to see him.

Between moans, the doctor gets the history.
“I was fine before the fight. Then my baby’s momma came to my house with her boyfriend. She was nice at first, then she started arguing with me. Then he got all tough and tried to get all in my face. Then out of the blue, she grabs a bowl off the counter and hits me over the head with it.”
“Wow. Did you pass out?”
“No. But I was damn close.”
“Did the bowl break?”
“No, it wasn’t open.”
“What do you mean it wasn’t open? What kind of bowl was it?”
“One of those Ramen Noodle bowls.”
“Wait. You mean one of those little plastic bowls with the peel off paper on the top?”
“Yeah. But that sh*t HURTS!”
“Did you get hit with anything else?”
“No. She just slammed me in the head with the Ramen Noodle bowl then they took off running. I think I may have a concussion.”
“Pardon me a minute.”

The doc walks out into the nurse’s station shaking his head. He regains his composure and walks back into the room.

“Well, after examining you, there are no signs of bleeding inside your brain and no concussion. We’ll give you some Tylenol … number three … here and then give you a prescription for a couple of days of Dolobid (pronounced “Da-LAW-bid”). You can follow up with your family physician if you’re not feeling better.”

With that, the patient was given three Tylenol tablets, given a prescription for Dolobid, and discharged in stable condition.

A couple of hours later, the patient calls the emergency department.

“Man, that wasn’t no Dilaudid. That was crap. Can’t y’all just call me in some Oxycontins to last me through the night?”
“No. We can’t call Oxycontin into a pharmacy. Try some ice and the Dolobid. You should feel better tomorrow.”

So the nurse who took care of the patient overheard the conversation and made a suggestion.

“I know something you can call in that would probably help more than pain medications.”
“What’s that?”
“Testosterone patches?”
“Harrr harrr. That’s scheduled, too, you know.”
“A football helmet?”
“Nonprescription. Not carried in drug stores. Don’t you have patients to see?”
“Some plastic bags to store the Ramen Noodles in?”
“Stop. I’m getting a concussion.”


This and all posts about patients may be fictional, may be my experiences, may be submitted by readers for publication here, or may be any combination of the above. Factual statements may or may not be accurate. If you would like to have a patient story published on Dr.WhiteCoat.com, please e-mail me.

One comment

  1. This story if completely true or not is about a drug seeker – obviously – and I’m tired of people CANDY COATING this not being a – “medical” term but a medical issue. A drug seeker is an ADDICT, no one and I mean no one but a couple of actual addicts (drug seekers) came on these blogs said it and admitted it. Even they did not refer to themselves as addicts, WHAT–is this drug seeker term a NICER word to call an addict? Damn skippy it is, you in the medical field could not write a story about an addict experience and title it ADDICTS SUCK!!! Are you considering these addicts feeling, “falls under mental health” or is it because they have both civil and medical rights not to be violated and discrimated against. But what about Chronic pain patients who have been labeled this term unjustly who do not find it so nice, in fact find it insulting because it’s not true and suffer negative reprocussios from it. I’ve not read anywhere out there in medical blog world where the E.D. does not welcome a addict who needs medical attention, they just imply they “suck”, but what I have read is chronic pain patients are not welcomed. I had no clue until I got onto these medical blogs such strong opinions towards us existed I’m sure others dont either, but they should. You know what that suggest to me and probably others you’d rather deal with us being addicts who suck in your opinions than a responsible medicine taker who’s condiction flares up and what we’re taking and taught to do isn’t helping right then and there. And could simply use your help and hopefully not be judged and labeled something we’re not!!! I’ll be the first to admit I don’t understand addiction, I can’t relate. But I have compassion for those who are and those who want and ask for help, those who don’t- my compassion fades somewhat. Fades but I’d never give up on someone The story and the nurses jokes were not distasteful in any way in fact I enjoyed it. There’s always lessons to be learned from these stories you write and share, one for sure is us putting ourselves in your shoes. I wonder if any of you learn from us, putting yourself in our shoes. Otherwise what’s the point here?

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