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The Aspirin Technique to Stop Pregnancy

I’m going to preface this post by saying that it isn’t for the faint of heart. You’ve been warned.

We’ve all seen them.

After a while they become emotionally frustrating.

Some patients would rather spend several hours waiting in an emergency department waiting room rather than going to the Dollar Store and buying a test to see if they’re pregnant.
No, the hospital tests aren’t more accurate. For all I know the hospitals get them from the same supplier as the Dollar Store. You don’t need to recheck … oh nevermind. Just get five of them. You know that no matter what the test says, if you think you may be pregnant, you’re going to check it over and over again to make sure one way or another. Just buy a handful and be done with it.

I’m happy when people are excited about being pregnant, but it gets frustrating when people don’t want to be pregnant and at the same time don’t take any precautions to try to prevent themselves from getting pregnant.

Which leads me to my little story…

One of said potentially pregnant patients came in for her usual pregnancy test. Her name popping up on the board caused a few people to shake their heads.
“C’mon. She was just here like six weeks ago.”
“She needs to get a prescription for some birth control.””Or she can just use the aspirin technique.”

Suddenly there was a gasp from behind the nurses’ station.
One of the older secretaries was coming in for her shift. She was walking behind everyone and had apparently heard the tail end of the conversation. She stood there shocked. This was a four-pack-a-day smoker with a raspy voice who took pride in making others blush with her “colorful” language. Most of the time her breakroom talk could make a truck driver lean back and raise his eyebrows. Yet this time, it was her increasingly reddening face that formed a stark contrast to her white hospital jacket.

“What? You know? The aspirin technique? Put an aspirin between your knees and keep it there while you’re having sex to keep from getting pregnant?”
She heaved a sigh of relief and smirked.
“Oh Hells bells. I thought you said the a**hole technique. Then I’m standing here thinking that you’re all a bunch of sick sons of bitches.”
Which made everyone crack up.
As she was walking away, she added “Although either way would probably work just as well. Baaaahahaha.”

And with that comment the staff decided to skip lunch that afternoon.

Got us again.

Remember, I *did* warn you …

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This and all posts about patients may be fictional, may be my experiences, may be submitted by readers for publication here, or may be any combination of the above. Factual statements may or may not be accurate. If you would like to have a patient story published on Dr.WhiteCoat.com, please e-mail me.

One comment

  1. I am reminded of a salty old friend of mine who, when he wished to speak ill of someone, would say “there goes (so-and-so), living proof than anal sex isn’t a reliable form of birth control.”

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